Doors

In 2023 I applied for and was granted a full scholarship to a program that was fully remote. I was beyond overjoyed.

 For years, I had believed I needed supplemental education despite having achieved a certification at the same time I was completing a double major in college and and following up with a 2 year program post graduation. So, on a whim, I put my name in for the scholarship. 

Elated to announce this to my loved ones, I shared joyfully.  As I began the process of enrollment, I was made aware that the remote classes were not flexible and they did not fit my life. Incredible disappointment washed over me. 

I was really reluctant to accept this and poured over the school’s site playing around with ideas in my mind to contort it into a long drawn out program. My life, post loss, had forced me to  adapt an approach of navigating chaos while maintaining status quo. This quality of “chaotic resilience” which showed up in being creative about my schedule for example, was a lesson in something really important. 

This program was not what I thought; it wasn’t in alignment with my previous education. The more I tried to make a square peg fit into a round hole, I was made aware the schedule problem was necessary for me to let this go. Where I was certain I could twist and turn and wrangle my schedule, I was realizing I didn’t even want to make that accommodation. This was the clarity I needed to let the door close.

Further, an important conversation came to mind. A few years earlier, I had contemplated a “grief coaching course” and discussed it with a mentor. Her words then applied to this moment. She had said to me, “What is that coach going to tell you that you don’t already know?” Trauma had put glasses on me that made me see myself in a false narrative.

Not to be corny, but every musical with the theme, “you had the power all along” is a great way to articulate this conundrum. Circumstances can really muddy your perspective. It was extremely hard for me to embrace myself as functional, smart,  and plenty educated  I was seeking a program to give me credibility I already possessed.

I was given a full scholarship. What a blessing! Yet, I was already bringing to the table my rich, beautiful story. Walking away and letting that door open for another person gives me the greatest joy.